Questions
by Lagrenn
Summary: Kuja reflects on his neverending quest for knowledge of a question that has never been answered before to him. Is there truly such thing as love and affection? [SPOILERS]


Disclaimer: SqureEnix owns FF9 and its contents. I own nothing, and so does my friend.

AN: Haha, this fanfic's not even mine. It's written by my friend, Jae, but she was oh-so too shy to post it anywhere but in her LJ which is friends only. So here I am, being an evil and nice friend at the same time while posting it **with** her permission. She's still not very easy with me posting it here, but hey, at least she can get more comments and advices here. She thinks she's a terribly writer, awkwardly. This was originally a songfic, but seeing as how doesn't allow those, I had to take out the lyrics. Other than that, the fanfic's exactly the same as the original piece--just no lyrical phrases.

REMEMBER. This is by a friend, not me!

* * *

The undefined feelings terrorized him. Of the twenty-four years he had lived, Kuja had never felt anything like it save for once when Garland had revealed what he truly was. But what it had been the Angel of Death was unable to grasp. It felt like a mixture of anxiety, depression, and... fear. Although they were all common, the combination of the three seemed so foreign to Kuja. How it seemed that way puzzled the mage to no end.

The confusion was soon replaced with the unmeasurable pain that soon took place. He had been heavily wounded by none other than his own brother Zidane and the party. It was no surprise; they were all powerful fighters, he acknowledged, and each had their own potentials. Kuja himself, on the other hand, had already met his limits on his abilities. All potential in him had been sucked dry the moment he had heard the words of Garland's that foreshadowed his damnation.

* * *

Garland had never shown affection nor act paternal to his own creations, and Kuja had been no exception. Often alone without anyone to properly guide him, the soul of Garland's Angel of Death had been tainted with loneliness and hatred. Kuja had longed for what love was; what exactly it meant to have a family. The many books in Garland's library had provided him much knowledge, but none of what affection was. He often pondered on about what it felt like. Did it feel like a warm sensation? Or an unbearable joyous feeling that filled one with happiness?

Even after twenty-four years of waiting for an answer, none of those questions had been answered. For ever so long, Kuja had still remained curious and lacked any idea of what love was. Basic knowledge such as science and mathematics were particularly easy, but this was a different matter - no one had any slight interest in answering the often asked questions that were so simple to define.

In place of where love was to fill Kuja's artificial heart, only hatred grew.

* * *

It had felt only like yesterday when the Angel of Death had first seen Zidane's innocent eyes. He remembered well how flawless the child had been, fully of laughter and joy. Although Kuja had tried his best to hate his replacement that Garland had often spoken of, it was impossible to. The child was simply too carefree and innocent. Kuja knew he would've been disgusted with himself if he had even brought the slighest pain to the boy.

The to-be-replaced Angel of Death had soon grown attached to young Zidane, and vice versa. The younger of the two often clung onto Kuja, following him everywhere he went and learning a thing or two each and every day they spent together. Like a true and loving family, Kuja and Zidane looked out for each other, both ensuring the other was well and happy.The time that had been spent between the two were priceless; irreplacable.

After reflecting upon the moments, Kuja especially missed the good memories that had been long forgotten during his ambitious plan.

* * *

Though the time had gone by fast, Kuja had been oblivious, far too occupied with Zidane to notice. Only when Garland had spoken to Zidane of replacing Kuja did the Angel of Death finally realize it. Bitterness quickly consumed the joy that he and his brother had built inside of him slowly, all months of being together having gone to waste. Or so the first creation believed.

The following night Kuja had taken the child to Gaia, dumping him in an alleyway located at Lindblum. As the Angel of Death left with a smirk working its way to his pale features, he was completely oblivious of the fate that had just been sealed. And little did he know, his actions had been performed by love for Zidane and not from hatred and bitterness of being replaced. In his subconsciousness, Kuja had secretly wished Zidane would not suffer as he had; leaving the child on Gaia was the only way at that time.

Although it had been for his own best as well as the child's, Kuja had regretted leaving Zidane out in the cold and dark night.

* * *

Several years after Kuja's harsh actions towards Zidane, the former had gone searching for him every now and then, pushed on by guilt. In the end, the Angel of Death had never found the boy no matter how hard he tried. He had flown around on Silver Dragon, attempting to see from a certain height, only to fail. He had tried to look by walking on foot, but even that was futile. Nothing had worked, and Zidane had been lost to him forever.

As the months passed by with hopeless results, Kuja soon forgot his very reason for searching. Why had he been going all around Garland? For what? ... For whom? Simply shrugging it off the Angel of Death continued on doing his work for Garland, memories of Zidane pushed back into the deepest cores of his consciousness.

The giggling and laughters of a child echoed in his mind, taunting Kuja in his dreams.

* * *

Having convinced the elephant lady to do as he wished in his own manipulative ways, Kuja had had the continent of Alexandria wrapped around his fingers. Even the strongest of the knights such as Beatrix was barely of any threat to the Angel of Death, and he merely shrugged of any insults or rude remarks he was given. He did not care; in the end, they would've all been killed along with Gaia by him. That was when he planned to take revenge on everyone.

The black mages had successfully massacred Burmecia with ease, killing all in the way. Though they were useful tools to Kuja, the Angel of Death hated upon seeing the yellow, emotionless orbs they had as eyes; they were too much like the genome. No souls nor humane thoughts flowed within them, and the black mages' existance only reminded Kuja of the plan Garland had for him. The one simple word often rang in the mage's mind; replacement.

All the bitter thoughts had vanished when he eyed the young boy with a tail after Beatrix had dealt with he and his group. All memories of the past came crashing in and Kuja nearly flinched from the experience. Zidane, the one he had been searching for so long, had come back in the way least expected. Horrors of being replaced came pounding into his head again, causing a massive headache as Garland's cruel words rang through his mind. Zidane had reappeared. His brother, kin, and... replacement.

The shock of seeing the boy again in such an unorthodox way caused Kuja to do the only thing he was able to; to leave Burmecia as quickly as possible. There was no way forgetting Zidane was then possible as of that moment.

* * *

Since his awkward reunion with his brother, Kuja had accomplished many things. The elephant lady was no more, the extraction of Princess Garnet had been completed, and he had obtained tremendous power. The best part of it was one thing, however; he had killed Garland himself.

But he had not been entirely satisfied. Horrified, regret had kicked in. Kuja had killed Garland, his creator... his father. As much as he hated referring to Garland as his father, it was what he had always wanted to call him. But alas, calling the man "father" would've only resulted in punishment for him. Garland would never stand having a failure such as himself call one as superior as him his father.

Completely lost, Kuja did the only thing possible. Unleashing only a partial of his abilities, Kuja destroyed Terra, for setting even a single foot on the place disgusted him. He had escaped the exploding planet with ease, leaving Garland's corpse in the depths of wherever the body had fell. Nonetheless, the guilt and remorse had still been lodged into his brain, refusing to leave.

* * *

And now here he laid in undefined pain with a feeling he could not place his finger on. Was it incredible pain that was causing his mind to malfunction? He was, after all, a mere creation. A failure, a glitch in the program.

A mistake that was never meant to be.

Resting his head on the green grass of the Iifa Tree, Kuja took deep breaths. He knew what was approaching him, and welcomed it with open arms. Death was surely what would be given to him that day. He would never have a chance to sit in a soft chair reading the plays he so enjoyed nor hone his skills in hopes of proving himself. Never would he be able to watch any more auctions being held at Treno or the Alexandrian knights training out in the courtyard.

Never would he be able to live again with even a bit of comfort. Never.

As his eyes closed halfway from exhaustion, a colorful blur passed by rapidly from the corner of his orbs. Soon a loud thrashing noise was heard near the bottom of the Iifa Tree, indicating that someone had just fell through. Kuja held his breath, hoping against hope that it wasn't who he thought it was.

Hope seemed to have something against him.

As Zidane forced himself up and approached Kuja, the Angel of Death merely attempted to ignore the boy, wishing to die as soon as possible. There was no more point in lingering around in the world; no more reason to live with the excruciating pain that clawed at him. Death would be rid of all of it, although the mere thought of not being able to have control over himself again frightened him. Though he would be able to escape from the pain, Kuja would never be free in any way again just as his comfort would leave him.

In the end, Zidane had failed to bail out Kuja from the depths of the tree. After all, the latter had insisted that the thief left and live a good life with Princess Garnet seeing as how the two were having an affair. At first the teen refused to leave, not budging from where he was crouched. He was determined to take Kuja back, alive, with him. The twenty-four year old merely laughed bitterly, knowing well that he did not deserve to live. Not only that, Kuja had now began breathing his last as Zidane clung to him, as if such actions would bring the Angel of Death back to perfect health.

Kuja felt something foreign creep on his features. At first the thought of what it was frightened and surprised him, but suddenly, he permitted it. It was a smile. Small but clearly recognizable. His questions had finally been answered.

_Love is..._

Death took its toll, and the Angel of Death was no more. 


End file.
